Dear You,
The Buddhist parable about the “second arrow” reminds me to be compassionate with myself. It teaches me the value of taking caring of myself in those moments when I am hit with the pain of everyday life.
According to this Buddhist parable there are two arrows.
The “first arrow” is the unavoidable pain of everyday life; the things that happen that we can not always control. This could be a big trauma, such as something worthy of front page news, but far more often it is a small trauma, such as an insensitive comment, feeling tired, overwhelmed with responsibilities, expectations falling short, or worries
about he future and regrets about the past. The pain of everyday life can be anything that causes us to feel sad, angry hurt, scared or any other unpleasant feeling. In these moments we are suffering and compassion is the balm for our suffering.
Yet instead of offering ourselves compassion, we are far more likely to strike ourselves with the “second arrow.” The “second arrow” often sounds like “it’s my fault,” “I’m so stupid,” “I failed,” “why is no one else bothered by this,” “why can’t I let it go,” “I am too sensitive.” The second arrow invalidates our pain. It causes us to feel shame, which some consider to be the lowest vibratory feeling. Shame feels awful. So, now, not only are we feeling bad about what just happened, but on top of that we are shaming and blaming ourself for feeling bad. The second arrow represents how we react to the first arrow. This is the arrow we always have control over.
In that moment when I am triggered by the first arrow, the pain of everyday life, as soon as I notice that I am triggered, I have a choice, I can react with an old outdated habitual go to, which might sound something like this, “I messed up, I’m such a screw up, what’s wrong with me, I failed, it’s ruined, I’ll never get it right, and on and on.” Or, another option is I can pause and acknowledge how I am feeling about what just happened. Whatever I’m feeling, scared, sad, angry, etc., I can pause and acknowledge what I’m feeling. I know, I know this is easier said than done when we are triggered in and feeling reactive, or in other words, we are in fight or flight mode, but this is were EFT tapping can be so helpful. We can use EFT to cultivate compassion for our pain.
In those beautiful moments when I actually catch myself going into an old pattern of ineffective coping, if I can make a radical pivot and do something different, I always feel better. Yes, always. I am not saying perfect, but better. EFT is my favorite tool for interrupting these patterns, in the moment.
So, what would it look like to do something radically different and not shoot ourselves with a second arrow? How do I use EFT?
The beauty of EFT tapping is that the standard setup phrase has compassion and acceptance built right into. (If you are not familiar with tapping, please click here for a tapping tutorial). The EFT setup phrase guides us to acknowledge the painful experience and at the same time we accept that that is our experience. For example, as we are tapping on the Karate Chop point on the side of our hand, we might say, “even though I can’t believe I just did that, I still love and accept myself,” “even thought I I am so upset and I can’t seem to let it go, I still love and accept myself,” “even though I am so angry, I choose to love and accept myself.” In this practice we name the pain of the first arrow and we accept that we are in pain from the first arrow. This stops us from responding with the second arrow of shame, and instead we are turning inward and attending to our pain. Even as I was typing out the set up phrases I noticed I let out a big sigh and my shoulders relaxed a little.
Tapping sends a relaxation response to my nervous system, helping me to stay present with difficult feelings that I might try to avoid, or react away from. By staying present with my emotion(s), I provide my own validation. I let myself know it’s okay that I’m feeling what I’m feeling. This is a radical departure from reactivity. When I practice EFT during a moment of suffering, I am prevent the second arrow from striking. Instead of being hit with the second arrow, I am soothing the wound from the first arrow with the balm of compassion and acceptance. I’m no longer throwing salt in an open sound.
I hope this post is helpful to you. I am certified in Clinical EFT, and I have been practicing EFT for over fifteen years. It is one of my favorite self-help tools. I use it almost every day because I think it is important to continuously process and release adverse experiences. If we aren’t processing and releasing, we are carrying that baggage around with us.
As always, feel free to reach out if you’d like to work together.
If you’d like help clearing away blocks, I’d love to hear from you. I blend together EFT, hypnosis, EMDR and other mind-body-energy techniques to help people release old patterns and create change in their lives.
randicamirand@gmail.com
Om Shanti!
Randi
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