Why Narcissists Say, “Stop Living in the Past”

If you’ve ever tried to talk about something that hurt you and were met with “stop living in the past,” you’re not alone. This phrase is commonly used in narcissistic dynamics—and it’s rarely about healing or moving forward.

For survivors, this statement can feel confusing, shaming, and deeply destabilizing. It can make you question your memory, your feelings, and even your sanity. But there’s an important truth to understand:

When narcissists say “stop living in the past,” they are often trying to stop accountability, not encourage growth.

This phrase is not about forgiveness or healing

In healthy relationships, reflecting on the past allows for repair, understanding, and trust-building. In narcissistic relationships, the past becomes threatening—because it contains evidence.

What you’re remembering isn’t a single mistake. It’s a pattern.

The Real Reasons Narcissists Say “Stop Living in the Past”

1. To avoid accountability

Acknowledging the past would require recognizing harm, offering empathy, or changing behavior. Narcissistic individuals often lack the capacity—or willingness—to do this. Shutting down the conversation keeps them unexamined.

2. To invalidate your emotional experience

This phrase subtly suggests that your pain is excessive, dramatic, or unnecessary. It dismisses the impact of what happened and places the responsibility on you for still being

affected.

This is a form of emotional invalidation, not encouragement.

3. To control the narrative

If you remember clearly, you’re harder to manipulate. Calling your memory “the past” reframes abusive or neglectful behavior as irrelevant or exaggerated, allowing them to appear reasonable while positioning you as “stuck” or “resentful.”

4. To pressure you into dropping boundaries

Survivors often begin setting boundaries after recognizing patterns of harm. Revisiting the past is often how those boundaries are formed. Saying “move on” becomes a way to rush you back into compliance.

5. To avoid shame

Looking honestly at past behavior can activate deep shame. Narcissistic defenses are designed to deflect shame at all costs. Denial and dismissal help them regulate themselves—by dysregulating you.

6. Because narcissistic functioning lacks emotional continuity

Many narcissistic individuals operate from a present-moment entitlement: what I want now matters more than what happened before. Emotional cause and effect are minimized when they interfere with current desires.

Why Survivors Remember—and Why That’s Healthy

Trauma memory is not the same as rumination.

Your nervous system remembers because it learned.It learned what wasn’t safe.It learned what to watch for.It learned how to protect you.

When someone tells you that remembering is the problem, they are ignoring the role memory plays in survival and healing.

You are not “living in the past.”You are integrating experience so you can stay safe in the present.

A Body-Centered Perspective on Healing

For many survivors, healing doesn’t come from “letting go” mentally—it comes from gently reconnecting with the body and allowing stored survival responses to complete.

This is why somatic approaches, mindfulness, and trauma-informed therapies can be so effective. They help the nervous system update, rather than forcing the mind to override what the body knows.

A gentle practice

If this phrase has been used against you, try this:

Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly.

Take a slow breath.

Silently say:“I’m allowed to remember. My remembering protects me.”

Notice any sensation of grounding or relief—even if it’s subtle.

You’re Not Stuck—You’re Waking Up

Remembering doesn’t mean you’re trapped in the past.It means you’re becoming conscious.

And consciousness is often the first step toward freedom.

Ready for deeper support?

If you’re healing from narcissistic abuse and want a gentle, body-based approach that honors your sensitivity and lived experience, I offer trauma-informed EMDR therapy, somatic practices, and meditation for nervous system repair.

You don’t need to force yourself to “move on.”You’re allowed to move through—at your own pace.

Learn more about working with me at randicamirand.com

Join my Women’s Online Meditation Classes to support your healing.