Why Waking Up Hurts More Than Staying Asleep - Part 5 of Narcissistic Abuse Blog Series
- Randi Camirand
- Jan 17
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 24
After the Spell Breaks -- Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
Waking up hurts more than staying asleep.
Yes, yes, yes, waking up does hurt more than staying asleep!
his is one of the hardest truths about healing after narcissistic or emotionally manipulative relationships. Before clarity, there is confusion—but there is also a strange kind of protection. Once the spell breaks, that protection dissolves, and everything you were holding at bay rushes in.
Once you see clearly, you can’t unsee.And that is both devastating and liberating.
The Pain of Awareness
When people imagine healing, they often expect relief to come first. But for many, the opposite happens. Awareness brings pain before peace.
After the spell breaks, you may feel:
Grief for the relationship you believed you had
Rage at the ways your reality was distorted
Confusion about what was real and what wasn’t
Relief that you’re no longer doubting your own perception
These emotions don’t arrive one at a time. They arrive together—messy, overlapping, and overwhelming. This doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means your nervous system is finally allowing truth to surface.
Why Staying Asleep Once Felt Easier
In narcissistic dynamics, staying “asleep” often means staying bonded through hope, self-blame, and emotional adaptation. You learn to reinterpret pain as love, control as concern, and inconsistency as something you need to fix.
Waking up dismantles those survival strategies.
Suddenly, you may feel untethered. The coping mechanisms that once helped you endure no longer work. The stories that kept you connected no longer soothe you. This can feel like losing the ground beneath your feet.
But what’s actually happening is this: You are no longer abandoning yourself to maintain the relationship.
This Is Not Regression
Many people in this phase worry they’re getting worse.
You might think:
Why am I more emotional now than before?
Why do I feel angry when I thought I was healing?
Why does everything feel so raw?
This is not regression.This is awakening.
Healing after narcissistic abuse is not linear. When awareness deepens, emotional material that was previously suppressed comes forward to be felt, processed, and released. What feels like unraveling is often integration trying to happen.
The Nervous System After the Spell Breaks
From a trauma-informed perspective, this phase is when the nervous system begins to exit survival mode. While you were “asleep,” your system was focused on maintaining attachment and minimizing threat. Once clarity arrives, that vigilance is no longer sustainable.
Your body may express this awakening through:
Emotional flooding
Fatigue or grief waves
Heightened sensitivity
A need for space, rest, or solitude
None of this is a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that your system is recalibrating around safety and truth.
Let Awakening Be Gentle
You do not need to force healing.You do not need to make sense of everything at once.You do not need to rush into empowerment or forgiveness.
Awakening is not an event—it’s a process.
Learning to stay present with what you feel, without minimizing or overriding it, is one of the most profound acts of healing. This is where support matters—where safe, attuned spaces allow your system to soften rather than brace.
Moving Forward After the Spell Breaks
If you are in this phase, know this: the pain you feel is not the end of the story. It is the middle. The place where truth replaces illusion, and where your relationship with yourself begins to rebuild on solid ground.
You are not weak for grieving.
You are waking up.
And while waking up hurts more than staying asleep, it also opens the door to a life rooted in clarity, self-trust, and genuine connection.
You are not alone. I am available for individual sessions, when you are ready.
In the meantime, here are some Resources For Your Healing Journey:
Read blog posts from my series When the Spell Breaks: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. https://www.randicamirand.com/blog/categories/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse
Follow my Women’s Wintering Well Series on Instagram for almost daily self-care reminders. https://www.instagram.com/randicamirand/
10 Grounding Practices for Women
Visit my Homepage www.randicamirand.com
Learn more About Me and My Approach https://www.randicamirand.com/about
Learn about my Women’s Online Meditation Classes and email sign up to receive notifications. https://www.randicamirand.com/womens-meditation-classes
Check out The Blog for therapy insights and self-help tips.
