Why You Miss Them: Understanding Trauma Bonds After Narcissistic Abuse -- Part 6 of Narcissistic Abuse Blog Series
- Randi Camirand
- Jan 17
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 24
When the Spell Breaks -- Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
Missing them doesn’t mean you were wrong.
One of the most confusing—and painful—experiences after leaving or emotionally waking up from a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship is the longing that remains. Even after clarity. Even after harm is named. Even when you know the relationship wasn’t healthy.
This longing does not mean you imagined the abuse.It does not mean you should go back.And it does not mean you failed to heal.
It means your nervous system is doing exactly what it was conditioned to do.
Trauma Bonds Live in the Body, Not in Logic
Trauma bonds are not created through reasoning or conscious choice. They form through cycles of unpredictability, intermittent care, emotional intensity, and relief after distress. Over time, your nervous system learns to associate closeness with survival.
This is why logic often isn’t enough to dissolve attachment.
You may intellectually understand what happened, yet still feel pulled toward the person who hurt you. Your body remembers moments of connection, relief, and safety—even when those moments were inconsistent or conditional.
Trauma bonds are stored in the nervous system, not in thought.
When Unpredictability Becomes Familiar
In emotionally manipulative or narcissistic relationships, safety is rarely consistent. Affection may be followed by withdrawal. Validation may be paired with criticism. Love may feel conditional and uncertain.
Paradoxically, this unpredictability trains the nervous system to stay alert, bonded, and hyper-attuned. The body learns that closeness requires effort, self-abandonment, or vigilance—and over time, this state becomes familiar.
When the relationship ends or the spell breaks, the absence of that intensity can feel like loss—even when the relationship was harmful.
What you may be missing is not the person as they truly were, but the nervous system pattern that once promised relief.
Missing Them Is Not a Moral Failure
Many people judge themselves harshly for missing someone who caused them pain. This self-judgment only deepens the wound.
Missing them does not mean:
You were wrong about the harm
You exaggerated your experience
You are weak or naive
You haven’t healed “enough”
It means your attachment system is seeking regulation.
Healing is not about shaming attachment. It’s about understanding it.
Healing Is Retraining Safety
Recovery from trauma bonding is not about forcing detachment or cutting off feelings. It’s about gently teaching your nervous system that safety can exist without chaos.
This happens through:
Consistent, attuned relationships
Practices that bring you into present-moment awareness
Learning to tolerate calm without interpreting it as emptiness
Rebuilding trust in your own sensations and boundaries
Over time, your body learns that connection does not have to come with fear, unpredictability, or self-erasure.
Why Compassion Matters in This Phase
This stage of healing requires tenderness. When longing arises, it’s an opportunity to meet yourself with curiosity rather than criticism.
You might gently ask:
What does my body need right now?
Where am I seeking regulation or comfort?
How can I offer myself safety in this moment?
These questions shift healing from self-control to self-relationship.
Moving Forward Without Self-Judgment
Missing someone who harmed you is one of the most misunderstood parts of recovery from narcissistic abuse. But when you understand trauma bonds through the lens of the nervous system, the experience becomes less frightening—and far more workable.
You are not going backward.
You are not betraying your clarity.
You are learning how your body learned to survive.
And healing is not about judging that adaptation.
It’s about creating new conditions for safety, connection, and trust—starting with yourself.
You are not alone. I am available for individual sessions, when you are ready.
In the meantime, here are some Resources For Your Healing Journey:
Read blog posts from my series When the Spell Breaks: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. https://www.randicamirand.com/blog/categories/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse
Follow my Women’s Wintering Well Series on Instagram for almost daily self-care reminders. https://www.instagram.com/randicamirand/
10 Grounding Practices for Women
Visit my Homepage www.randicamirand.com
Learn more About Me and My Approach https://www.randicamirand.com/about
Learn about my Women’s Online Meditation Classes and email sign up to receive notifications. https://www.randicamirand.com/womens-meditation-classes
Check out The Blog for therapy insights and self-help tips.
